vivabezene

2009-07-02T19:33:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

This is why I don't fall in love.

Because spontaneous, all-nighter, soul-searching trips in a jeep, or a taxi, or an old car, or an MRT a hundred kilometers away from your home exist only in movies.

Cheerio.

in my dreams tonight

2009-06-28T21:42:00.000+08:00

Dear world,

What is wrong.

makes you wanna cry

2009-06-28T07:32:00.002+08:00

I am so tired.
So tired of you.
Tired of the things that you do.
So tired of me.
Tired of the things that I see.
So tired.

don't trust me

2009-06-26T20:54:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

There's something boggling me today. There are some things boggling me today. And I'm fine. I just never knew I should be boggled by those things. And I'm fine. I just wish I weren't so boggled. I just wish it weren't such a big deal, except maybe I should make a big deal out of it, you think?

Okay, first thing.

If I had a really good friend I go with most of the time, well, because, that good friend is my really good friend and the only friend who is ever willing to go with you wherever you go, and that friend was a guy, what would we be? Would he be a good friend, or a boyfriend? Would I be a lesbian if he weren't of the male specimen?

Answer: I'm probably not a lesbian. Why is it so different when you're close with a girl in the same degree that you're close with a guy? Why?

Second thing.

Why do I have to deal with you all the time? Why do I have to do the things you do? Why do I have to like pass the second floor when we could have just passed the first floor? Why do I have to base my decisions around you? Why do I have to be so... sensitive to your feelings? Why am I the only one?

Third thing.

Why am I so quiet? I don't know.

Maybe it's a defence mechanism. Maybe it's an outer shell that fake friends can't penetrate. Maybe it's something to allow me to figure out what you are before you figure out what I am. Maybe it's a way to let me create a different personality to have around you. Maybe it's because I just want to be silent. Maybe it's because I just want to be alone.

I don't know what to say. What's so bad about being quiet? I don't know. I don't know what I meant to say anymore.

It's just sad.

vanish inside your kiss

2009-05-17T21:32:00.000+08:00

Hehe. I just thought I should post something not about dreams (Although apparently that's where all the action happens. I swear this is true.) so here I am posting. About like an hour ago Mum left for the airport. So now we are a parentless bunch. For two weeks. We have a guardian though, that makes up for it.

(I haven't posted anything for like a month or something because whenever I work up the strength to write something, I realize what I just wrote may be the stupidest thing ever, and... DELETE DELETE DELETE!)

I've been reading FMyLife for two days now. Some people can be so mean, as in do-you-even-have-a-conscience mean. It makes me want to cry.

I am terribly serious.

I can't wait to get my ID. I don't know, I hope it doesn't suck. I don't know why I'm so excited. I guess then I'll find a use for my UP lanyard...

...Except for the key I practically begged Esme for.

I have no idea what I'm going to look forward to after getting my ID. I guess I could look forward to the first day of classes. I look forward to that, but I terribly dread it. At the same time. You know what I mean. First days are dreadful. More so if you're transitioning. It's just like your eighteenth birthday only it's much more noticeable. Because like one day before your eighteenth birthday, you're still technically eighteen. You like grow into eighteen. You like become 17 and 1/12, 17 and 1/6, 17 and 1/4, and you get my point. But you don't become Fourth Year High School and 1/12, Fourth Year High School and this and that. Technically you do but you don't really know what's going to happen. When you're eighteen you're eighteen, and eighteen is almost the same as being seventeen except you're legal.

Talking about ages, my sweet sixteenth is like two months away. Super sweet. I don't feel sweet. I don't feel sixteen. I feel tasteless, ageless. I'm Peter Pan and I wish I never grew up. I also wish I could fly, but heck. I'm a voyeur, a relaxer in the raging rivers of time, and I couldn't care less where it's taking me, as long as I can see something.

Voyeur is the perfect word for me, except I didn't have to be a voyeur, I could be an actor in the stage of whatsoever but instead I am a voyeur. I am a voyeur not because I wanted to watch people or things pass me by and grow old and maybe I'll grow old but it doesn't matter because I'm a voyeur... I'm a voyeur I guess because it's the only thing I'm strong enough to do.

In a way, knowing that I'm weak but still choosing voyeurism, not knowing what might have happened if I didn't, makes it the strongest thing I have ever done.

Just like suicide.

Suicide is for weaklings because you can't take life anymore. But in a way it's for strong people, who know what they might miss in life, but choose instead to miss it. It's a pretty strong decision to make.

I have been thinking about this, obviously.

So this blog entry started out as a sporadic post with no plans whatsoever and nothing to talk about, and it turns out to maybe possibly be a masterpiece.

you change your mind

2009-04-23T13:06:00.001+08:00

Dear world,

I hate not being able to do the right thing, although I clearly want to do it, for reasons too selfish to disclose.

Cheerio.

reach out and touch me

2009-04-23T12:07:00.003+08:00

Dear world,

I woke up to the sound of people talking. Very often do. People are my alarm clocks, because I am a light sleeper and do not surrender 100% of my consciousness to sleep. Huh. What the heck happened? I used to have an alarm clock but I always woke up earlier than it alarmed, so it was pretty useless (But still pretty cute. I like clocks that don't go tick-tocking.). There was also this alarm clock that barely made any noise, so luckily I woke up before that, too.

What's the sense of talking about alarm clocks?

I don't know; I very rarely talk about the everyday things in my life (In this blog, anyway). It's pretty pointless, but I figured with a certain writing style, it could very well be in on the best magazine in the whole wide world...

...It isn't, haha. I have no idea what the best magazine of the whole wide world is.

So now I figure you realize that I actually have a talent of talking about nothing at length. I know. I take pride in it sometimes but I have no idea if I should.

Hey, did you know life is like fried rice and problems are like garlic? Fried rice is good, garlic is slightly gross, but fried rice without garlic doesn't (Hypothetically, at least) taste as well.

Apparently, I also have the talent to analogize life with really weird things.
Well who knew?

I don't even know if analogize is a real word. Spell check doesn't seem to be functioning, but it actually is and declares that, "doesn't," is not a word.

Go, spell check!

Cheerio.

look what you've done

2009-04-22T11:12:00.003+08:00

Dear world,

I've actually spent some time trying to befriend someone I've always wanted to be friends with. It just happens. (Yeah, like: "Come on. You'll barely see each other in college, therefore you can totally humiliate yourself!" Yeaaah... That wasn't really a good idea...)

So now I've realized, no matter how much you try to be friends with somebody, as long as that somebody doesn't care about you, you wouldn't be friends.

Yeaaah.

Cheerio.

everybody knows

2009-04-22T11:10:00.000+08:00

Last night, Mum told me off for sleeping late. Why do I sleep late? I don't know. There's just something about tomorrows that I despise. Something about closing your eyes, opening them, and ending up in a completely different world. Something about missing 28,800 seconds (More, or less) of your life.

Something about being a day older.

Something about being completely content with how your day went, even though it sucked, or it ruled, and not knowing how your day's going to go when you open your eyes.

Nothing to do, it's up to you.
I've got something to say, but it's okay.

i can't remember

2009-04-19T21:00:00.001+08:00

Dear world,

A lot of people praise me for being able to do what I want on impulse and without caring what other people think.

I hate it.

Cheerio.

'cause i am so bitter

2009-04-11T20:24:00.001+08:00

Dear world,

Sometimes I wish I could just stop existing. Stop existing, but still live. I don't know what the matter is.

I just realized I had a fear of a perfect night sky. Given, the night sky wasn't perfect, but it looked great. The clouds were really defined and the sky was really blue, and the stars were really shining, and I stood there like I just saw a ghost. Then I shuddered, I think.

Cheerio.

my left brain knows

2009-04-09T21:07:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

What people do to have something to share. They might twist a very innocent story to turn it into a reputation-destroying one. It's actually pretty easy. Even changing just one word changes everything.

Now I know, everyone wants juicy gossip. And that's fine, because I guess somehow, it's built in us to be curious about other people and share our knowledge. But how come, when it comes to us or our friends, we don't like gossiping, even though the gossip this time is true? (Well, naturally, it WOULD be true since YOU of all people would know.)

You ask for gossip. Lots and lots and lots of gossip, and when someone knows a REAL rumour about YOUR friend, you ask them to stop. Because it's YOUR friend. What about your usual topic's friend, how would they feel?

I can't really express myself right, especially now because I have a certain someone in mind. It happens all the time, but I couldn't really generalize it.

Cheerio.

the birds and the bees

2009-04-09T06:48:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

The night before last night, I was closing the windows. The sky was almost cloudless so naturally I looked up. There was a twin star (I'm pretty sure.) and there were a lot of bright stars in the sky (Well, of course they were in the sky.). I realized looking at the stars for almost a minute can feel freaky.

I don't know.

I just confessed last night. It's pretty amazing that one year's worth of sinning becomes worthless within five minutes of confession.

Cheerio.

hello, lamppost

2009-04-08T14:02:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

For more or less a decade, I've been living a lonely life. Sure, I've got four siblings, a Mum and a Dad, but still, come to think of it, I've always been a loner and it's always been okay for me to be alone. I preferred it, anyway.

I can't really understand why, all of a sudden, I can't stand not talking to anyone.

Cheerio.

shattered, i lie

2009-04-06T15:38:00.000+08:00

Dear world,

I'm feeling sad today for no reason. The clouds agree with me. They're probably the only ones who want to understand.

Cheerio.

words i long to hear

2009-04-05T22:16:00.000+08:00

When we were Freshmen, we were Freshmen, and that was it. We didn't think ahead of our time and say, "What would Senior me think of Freshman me?" No. We were just Freshmen and that was it. We had a lot of things in our head as it was. The new school and making new friends.

New. Friends.

So you spent months being the coolest person you could ever imagine, and making people either love or hate you, want or not want to be your friend. And you found the perfect set of people--not friends, just people, because the case is you just found them like you find shoes. You found the perfect set of people you could do these really weird stuff with. And in the end you'd become friends, with whom you wouldn't mind being laughed at by the Upperclassmen if ever you decided to do something stupid in public.

You never even realised that three years from now, you would look back and laugh at yourself and give possibly anything in the world to do those things again. Because as you saw life then, you're just a Freshman and that's it. You're a Freshman making a total fool of yourself in front of everybody, unprepared for the things to come in your four years as a High School student. You're just a Freshman without any knowledge, you're just... you, with your friends. Who you'd probably have to leave come Sophomore year, making the end of Freshman year seem like the end of the world.

But Sophomore year wasn't bad either, it was like Freshman year only with more knowledge. It was like finding new friends with your old friends. It's like refilling a not-completely-empty glass of iced tea. It's just like that.

Junior year was even better. You knew even more people. You looked forward to many things. You started reminiscing, because you started looking forward and thinking, "In a matter of months, I'll be a Senior and I'll miss doing these things." You wanted things to go faster and at the same time go slower. It's like not wanting another refill. But the refill had to be done.

And now Senior year is.

Senior year. Was.

It was the time to do things you have always wanted but were always scared to do, because before, you were a Freshman, a Sophomore, and then a Junior, and there was always a Senior to be scared of, or a teacher to be scared of. But now, you yourself are. WERE a Senior, and all you could say was, "I'm a Senior. What's to be scared of? Who's to be scared of? What consequences?" You're like a 90-year-old man who knows he's about to die: He starts living his life and so do you. Like that 90-year-old man, you don't want to think about what might happen to you months from now and all you could think about were the times that were.

The times when your class was complete, because yes, probably one, or two, or three, or who knows how many, classmates of yours left--migrated or kicked out or repeated, who knows? The times when your class would have these getting-to-know-you activities which you would never have again because you know each other like the back of your hands already. The times when you discovered that someone you had been stabbing in the back was actually one of the best people in the world, and you're not ashamed to admit it.

The times when you had something to be scared of but weren't, anyway. The times you blushed because of your crush. The number of codenames you made up for your crushes. The number of secrets you shared with your friends. The times you had open forums because you had problems with each other. The seldom times you looked forward to Junior year, and to Senior year, the fun things that might happen.

Those are all gone because we've learned. But we all want to learn again.

We're here. We were there. We changed each other's lives and touched them. We did the impossible and now we want to do it again.

Maybe you're going way too fast, maybe you're going way too slow. You can't even remember until the time is there to say goodbye.

So I guess it's goodbye.

because i can't sleep

2009-04-05T21:22:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

On a lighter note, there's one more month until this blog turns one!

And because that one month reminds me of enrollment (Which was actually the day or time the blog is established), the lighter note now sort of becomes a not-so-light note, because it brings to mind college. And, not to mention, enlistment or whatever it is. Well, actually, college is even worse. It means you're done with high school and you can never really go back.

Well, that is unless you plan on teaching in high school. Which I do. Or did. Nobody wants it. Everyone thinks high school students are a bunch of backstabbers and paper-throwers and teacher-mockers and PDA-doers and rule-breakers and whatnot. But guess what? I've been a high school student. And although I've probably been a backstabbing, paper-throwing, rule-breaking student, and I've probably hung out with a hundred of them or so, I don't think that's true. If it were true, it doesn't exactly mean high school students are the worst. It's like, they're just finding their way or something.

Or maybe I'm just afraid of children.

You know what? It's probably both.

Cheerio.

you got a reaction

2009-04-05T21:19:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Isn't it selfish to just walk away from a group of people because one of them wronged you? When everyone else didn't know and couldn't really have changed,what happened, and when they need you. But you chose to walk away because of one fight. You chose to walk away from them, when you needed to walk away from one, and everyone else needed you.

On the other hand, I just have nothing to write about.

Cheerio!

i am your singer

2009-04-04T12:42:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Why's there got to be lots of ants nowadays? Is summer, like, peak season for ants? Because ants make me paranoid. But they don't make me as paranoid as mosquitoes, spiders, and cockroaches (Especially abnormal-looking ones). They still make me paranoid. Not that it matters.

One thing I realized about myself (Because, yes, this is MY blog and I am somewhat entitled to write about myself!) is that I have a great (Great meaning huge, not awesome.) sense of empathy. Usually I "feel" with other people. Weird thing is, my emotions are much stronger than their emotions. Which is weird. It's like plagiarizing and doing an even better job.

On the other hand, the next topic is absolutely off-topic and should therefore be called a new topic. I said that because I am lame at introducing new topics. Topics are spontaneous and not connected. Sporadic, I guess. Not that I know how to correctly use sporadic. I've just been wanting to use that word for ages.

Not that it matters.

Anyway. I don't feel like saying what I've been wanting to say anymore. It just goes away.

Arrivederci!

tesla does the astro

2009-04-04T12:33:00.001+08:00

Dear world,

There are these many times when we think we've got the world all figured out. I should know. It happens to me all the time. The thing is, I think I've got the world all figured out from experience. Apparently, I am not the smartest person in the world. And right now I'm probably bordering on being one of the stupidest.

There are these many times when we think we've figured people out psychologically, and whatever their motives are. This is very stupid. You can never figure anyone out. It only happens in the movies.

I really don't know what to say.

Cheerio.

love from me to you

2009-03-25T16:17:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

I guess one of the reasons why we don't really bother helping people is lack of trust. Like when you do something good, everyone else thinks, "I better be careful, this person's planning something bad. I can see from the way s/he opened my door/picked up my bag/and so forth..." But then again, the reason why we lack trust is because when people helped us, sometimes they fool us. Weird, eh?

Anyway, today I saw this "Beatles Diary" that claimed to have a day-to-day quotes/something of the Beatles, whatever. And I was all, "What? Does he have the aural version of a photographic memory?" (Is that possible?)

Then I realized how sad it is sometimes to have photographic memory. You'd go all, "Hey guys, remember when *recount a very funny thing that happened to a friend a gazillion years ago*? Man, that was sooo funny!" and then everyone's, "Huh...?"

And then I chanced upon this can of fish which said it was immersed (Not the word used) in natural oils. Then I remembered Mikee said (or whoever) that her mother cooked using the natural oils of the things she was cooking. Suddenly I thought, "What if you were a cannibal and you did that? Would you be eating the substance of zits and what?"

Hehe.

Cheerio!

more than meets the eye

2009-03-23T14:37:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Sometimes I wish I were bipolar, just so I could take meds and be a zombie.
I'd rather be a feelingless zombie, I think.
Maybe being bipolar would change my mind.

Cheerio.

that life is but a joke

2009-03-23T14:11:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Why do I always have to think that everyone's turning on me? That I'm the victim here? Why do I even bother getting hurt? I've no idea, but I'm pretty sure I have to get this out of my system. I am terribly sorry for the holy eyesore.

First off--(Gosh, I really am sorry for taking this all out. I just feel bad. Screw hormones and their job to make you emotional, right?)

Why can't anyone appreciate your efforts of doing something? It's like, you do this thing A, and you tell them, "Hey, I just did this thing A," and they're all, "Oh? That's great. Hey, I think thing B is an even better idea. Why don't we just do that?" How can they just disregard the efforts you gave into doing something? Given, thing B is probably lots better than thing A, still, it's being inconsiderate AND insensitive.

Okay. Just, stop, you know? I'm probably being equally inconsiderate AND insensitive by saying that.

Second--(You can stop reading now, you know.)

It just makes me sad that I'll never be part of "them" without "you." It's like, puto. Nobody really likes puto (Okay, let's just turn this into a pseudo-example because I actually like puto.) unless it goes with dinuguan. It's like the "them" doesn't really include me--it just so happens that the other part of "them" includes me. Otherwise the "them" wouldn't really bother.

I mean, damn "them," right? No, not really.

Third--(And last, hopefully.)

It sucks that some people get to think that they got the whole world figure out. Because guess what? Nobody can figure the whole world out. You will never ever find the motives between everybody's actions. So stop acting like you got the whole world (Or even your friends, or just anyone) figured out.

Just shut up.

And now it's all over.
So let's end on a happy-ish note:

Have you ever seen the Jelly Belly jelly beans with good and bad flavours that look almost the same? Like, skunk stink (Or whatchamacallit) and whatnot, vomit and whatnot, and I think there's a booger flavour, whatever, and such and such, that you don't know if you're eating the good flavour, or the bad flavour?

When you look at the back, it says, "ARTIFICIALLY AND NATURALLY FLAVOURED."

It...
Kind of makes me wonder which flavours are the "natural" flavours.

Cheerio.

every breath you take

2009-03-12T20:44:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Flowers. Flowers are... nice. They're pretty, and sometimes they smell good (Sometimes, they smell good because we push ourselves into thinking they smell good because everyone thinks they smell good).

But after 2 or 3 days they're dead anyway. Wilted. Yep. So why do we keep on buying flowers?

Cheerio.

can't live for tomorrow

2009-03-11T18:53:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

It seems that when you love or even like somebody, it's supposed to be a give-and-take deal. Like, "Okay, I like/love you. Now, if you don't like/love me back, I won't like/love you anymore. Okay? Okay."

Which is stupid. You don't like/love someone just because that someone likes/loves you, that when you find out that that someone doesn't like/love you, you just stop liking/loving that someone. What gives? It's not supposed to be give-and-take (Although I figure, it would be pretty nice.).

Sake, you're supposed to like/love someone because of what that someone does that really makes that someone special (Minus, you know, liking/loving you). If you like/love someone because s/he constantly cleans your bathroom, you just like that person just because. Not because s/he likes/loves you back. And just because s/he doesn't, doesn't mean that you should give up on liking/loving you.

Because, yes, sometimes the world isn't about giving and then taking, sometimes it's about giving, and taking in a different way.

Cheerio.

send a heartbeat to the void

2009-03-10T20:35:00.003+08:00

Dear world,

It's so nice to have your fate in your hands, not just in the hands of any other circumstance. Even if, yes, your fate is quite dark--at least you made that decision, and in a way, your fate being dark because of your own decision makes your fate a bit brighter than it would be if it had been true under a circumstance.

It's so nice to be alone when you preferred to be alone, even if you had a chance not to be alone, not alone because somebody left you, because everybody left you.
It's so nice to be depressed when you were the one who gave yourself a reason to be depressed, not depressed because somebody broke your trust.
It's so nice to be imprisoned when you gave yourself in to the police, surrendered the evidence, not imprisoned because somebody told on you.
It's so nice to be dead, I guess, when you were the one who killed yourself, your own hands, not dead because nature or somebody else killed you.

I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

Cheerio.

lost inside your eyes

2009-03-09T15:44:00.003+08:00

Dear world,

It's sad how people can give things away so easily without any intention.

Say, "I love you," without even loving that person, even if you know you don't love that person.
Say, "Forever," even though you don't know what the extent of forever is.
Say, "I hate you," without even bothering if the person takes it seriously or not.
Say, "Promise," although you haven't realized yet the consequences of the promise.

Why?

Can't we give a little bit of our hearts away every time?

Cheerio.

the apple of my eye

2009-03-09T14:53:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Usually we see Suicides as weak people--honestly, how STRONG can they be when they can't even handle the future, right?

But in a way, they're also strong--they know that there won't be any tomorrow for them, they know that tomorrow might be a whole lot better than today or yesterday, they know that they're leaving everything material behind, and even emotional, yes. They know that they can't do anything anymore after their act, that even if they want to go back so much, they can't. They know that this is the biggest decision in life anyone has. They know that they'll be damned after it.

And still they do it.

In a way, it's strength. It's sometimes just not the right kind of strength.

But come to think of it, everyone actually possesses a little of every characteristic in the whole wide world. Right?

Cheerio.

i want nobody but you

2009-03-04T21:58:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

I'm torn being depressed, hyper, or just plain bored, but I think I'll stick to the last one, as if it really matters to anyone.

What's it like being alone? I'll tell you:

Sometimes it hurts, especially if you're not feeling so well, because it hurts even more when you know nobody is sharing the pain with you, and when you know nobody's bothering just to sit down with you and share your pain.

Sometimes it's boring, because really, you've got nothing to do. What do you want to do anyway? Honestly, you can't really sit around all day thinking of deep stuff because one way or another, you'll run out of deep stuff to think.

Sometimes it's sad, because you know someone out there needs you, but you're alone and you're not there. What can you do? Solitude is taking you prisoner. It's not like you can really do anything about it... Can you?

But most of the time, being alone is just lonely. When you know anybody could be there with you, but they're not, and that fact makes you even more alone than ever.

Sometimes I don't know why I even bothererer.

Cheerio.

what i like about you

2009-03-01T20:38:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Oh irony. I only heard... last week, or some time, anyway, doesn't matter, that people tell the truth when they're drunk. Like a truth serum. An honesty serum? Something serum, haha. Which is amazing, I mean, it makes sense. It's the time to blurt out the things you always wanted to say, and if you didn't want to say it, you really couldn't do anything about it--you're drunk as heck.

Ironic, though, people use drunkenness as an excuse. Many times have people "drunk texted" other people to tell them they loved them, or something they never had the courage to say, so they can go, "Oh, well, sorry, I was drunk. Disregard," when in fact, saying that only makes it truer in a sense.

Well, now it's not as ironic anyway. I guess people use drunkenness as a sort of shield. Like, "I know I told you that last night, when I was drunk, I've been meaning to tell you that all the time but I'm too scared. Now let's bond over what drunk me just said last night," kind of shield. Or the, "Really? I told you that? Oh. Oh well, I didn't remember a thing, hey, is that lasagna?" kind of shield.

Either way, whatever. So what's the point I was trying to make?

I really don't remember.

Cheerio.

now i'm a believer

2009-03-01T20:27:00.002+08:00

(Some random thoughts I wrote to make myself feel deep.)

(Needless to say, my efforts to sound deep were unsuccessful. Oh well, what can I do?)

It's amazing how easily people can leave you. I don't know what's on their minds when they leave you. Do they even think they're leaving you? Are they sorry that they're leaving you? Or do they just think that they're momentarily leaving you--that's it.

Do they look back at you in their minds, thinking what it would be like if they hadn't left you?

Or is the thing they left you for much more important than you that they can't even be bothered?

Does the point of being left behind cross your mind? Does it bother you?
Does you're very heart ache when you think of it?

Are we so used to leaving and being left behind that it has become a normal thing?

Given, it actually doesn't affect us much, because in our hearts, we know they'll be back. What if they met an accident and can't get back? What if? The world is so full of endless possibilities that in the end, there's nothing we can be sure of. Not even your name, maybe.

(And another one with a completely different topic, divided with this cutesy divider tilde with two lines perpendicular to it, only you can't call it perpendicular, because, dude, it's a TILDE.)

I got a new complaint--why do we always pray for something? Our prayers go:
"Lord, please give us ____. Please bless _____ who is sick/dead. Please guide over our souls. Amen."
And the way we recite it, it sounds like another Hail Mary--memorized, heartless.
I once read somewhere that praying is not asking for a paycheck from your boss--it's reporting for duty.

Come to think of it, though. Why do we have to report to God when He's omniscient anyway?

(And another cutesy tilde.)

I don't think I belong here.

(Cue tilde.)

It's so weird when people euphemize things that are really obvious--citing a better reason instead of the real, slightly selfish reason. What do they take us for? Idiots?

(Tildetildetilde. Gosh, tildes are so darn useful.)

What the heck am I, anyway?
What are friends, anyway? Who will find me, anyway?

(Now you've found me. And now, here's another tilde for you.)

How is it that we only stand up for what is right when it benefits us, or a friend?
That we only confront a wrongdoer if he/she wronged a friend.
And otherwise, we really couldn't care less.

(Tildeeey.)

Screw grammar--everyone makes mistakes, and:
SHUT UP, WILL YOU?
Why can't you just talk between the two of you?

(Obviously, and quite amusingly, the one above this wasn't an effort to sound deep. Yay. And the last tilde!)

I'm sure if we saw ourselves bickering right now, we'd call ourselves stupid. But we never will, will we? The sad truth. The world reeks of hipocrisy.

(And that's it, for the utterly short two-day lifetime of my "deep" diary. Slash, journal.)

Cheerio.

took your love away

2009-03-01T13:53:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

When you don't do anything with your time but look at other people's status messages or listen to the things they say, you'll find there are 2 types of people.

There's this kind of person who says things that you never asked to hear, but it doesn't bother you whether they say it or not. You could be apathetic about the things they say. Sometimes, what they say is amusing, sometimes not, but bearable both ways.

There's this kind of person who says things nobody could care less about. Example? When they're talking to someone in particular but they make it seem as if they're talking to you. You're not invading their private lives--they're making you invade their private lives and apparently they really, truly want you to know what's happening. Yes, even if they don't care, don't understand and couldn't really be bothered. It's not the, "I'm so depressed I need help," type, because in that case, it's fine for you to interfere, to actually care. But it's the, "I'm so awesome, the love of my life is so awesome, what person A just said is so funny, don't you think so, hey, I'll repeat it for you if you like," type.

Or maybe I'm just annoyed, and that's why I chose to talk about this. Maybe.

Cheerio.

don't you mess around

2009-02-28T22:15:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

But notice how pessimistic and cynical my last post was.

So now let's just pour all our energies into thinking about happy thoughts and skipping through fields of daisies. Yep.

But as for now, I really don't have anything particularly happy to blog about, so there.

Cheerio.

you're yesterday's child

2009-02-28T21:58:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

How infinitely easier it is to hate someone because of a simple (and often misunderstood) wrongdoing than to admire someone for a saintly deed.

If throughout his/her life, someone has been a Mother Teresa to everyone, and that someone unwittingly "brags" that he/she got the highest score in what and what subject, suddenly that person's not so high and mighty. Of course, this is probably exaggerated, but other than that, this is probably true. Or maybe it's true for me.

It's like a clean sheet of paper. Keep its cleanliness up, keep its paper-virginity (Haha, I have no idea what to call it. Imagine, I misspelled "call" as "cool.") up, and it's a good piece of paper. But accidentally write a looong slash on the upper-right corner, it's not as good as a virginal (I hate that word, it makes everything sounds so perverted. Haha. Kidding.) piece of paper.

Or maybe sometimes, there's this kind of person you just love to hate, that however kind that person is, you can and you will find a fault in that person. Even if he/she never did anything wrong, as long as you have the will to hate that person. "It's easy to find something you're looking for, even if it isn't there." Yeah. I have no idea where I picked that up, but it's actually true most of the time. For example, if someone keeps on singing in the classroom, and it just so happened that you love to hate that person, you'd think, "Gee. Pasikat. 'Di naman magaling." But honestly. What if that person just wanted to sing?

Or, coming back to the first paragraph, someone who has been infinitely kind to you since day one accidentally rolls his/her eyes at you (Maybe something got in that person's eye?), you just go on and brand that person as, "plastic."

Honestly, though, what gives?

I guess we all just want to hate someone.

Cheerio.

somewhere in the crowd

2009-02-27T20:04:00.003+08:00

Dear world,

I never really realized (As I always have) how shallow I used to be. Not saying that I'm not shallow, but I was pretty shallow.

Oy, can you stay mad at someone? Before, I used to question being mad at someone because it doesn't have a point.

Being mad at someone doesn't really have its benefits. Being mad at someone just temporarily subtracts a friend from your list of friends, just increases your wrinkles, just wastes your time, because one way or another, you've got to stop hating each other, right?

Wrong.

Because sometimes, people just don't change. Sometimes... Sometimes I don't remember what I'm going to say here, but I'm pretty sure it extends to two paragraphs.

I guess there really is a kind of person you just hate so much. I guess there's this person that you can't ever forgive, even if they're sorry, even if you want to forgive them, because.

There's this kind of person that just won't change, and what's the point of forgiving in that?

Cheerio.

someone still loves you

2009-02-23T21:01:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

I never really got the expression, "when it rains, it pours." I mean, why would it not? I don't know if I wrote about that expression before, but if I did, well, I don't think it would matter to you, because you probably forgot too. Or maybe because you just want to read another blog post (Um, yeah right). Or maybe you just don't exist.

Apparently, "when it rains, it pours" means that when something unfortunate happens to you, all throughout the day, something unfortunate happens to you.

Which is stupid (Unless the explanation I was given was wrong, well...), since it can actually stop raining within the day. So when it rains, it may or may not pour.

Besides, what if you actually like the rain? And then what of it?

But onward we go to the explanation which we all probably concluded anyway, but is being posted here for the sake of posting something, not that anyone actually reads, or anything (If you are reading this, I'm not accusing you of being nobody... And if you're convinced I am, well, nobody's perfect. Ha, ha.)

Here we go. If something rather, terribly unfortunate happens to you, most likely you go on being emo. As in you hate the world. For letting that unfortunate, terrible thing happen to you. Maybe you want everyone to sympathize with you. So you go all, "GRRRR >:F" at them. So maybe they treat you bad. Or they don't treat you at all, but you still see them as annoying, because, well, now, everything's annoying.

Or sometimes, we just tend to look at the bad side. It's like, when it rains, and then it just drizzles, you're like, "So what? It's still raining," and only sunshine can make you happy (Unless you like the rain. If you do, let's dance!). So we tend to make a big deal of everything unfortunate coming your way just so, probably, you have an excuse to say, "I HATE THIS DAY!!!"

Or something like that, I'm not too sure.

Take this, for example.

You are editing a picture in Photoshop. And it's really awesome. And you saved it. You're sure you saved it. And then the computer gets a life of its own and, dies. And then resurrects. And now the picture, which you actually saved, is... gone! And so you're, "Crap." And things you'll normally say, "Oh, well. Okay, can do," to, you'll say, "It's your fault! It's whoever's fault! That was real crappy! Why?!" because, well, for the most part, you want someone to know that you're in a really bad mood. Maybe there's something with the hormones, like, when you cry, these hormones vibrate like air molecules on a sugar rush. I don't know.

Honestly? I have absolutely no clue as to where I got that example.

Really.
Haha.

Cheerio.

with death's release

2009-02-23T20:28:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

You remember how once, I talked about people doing things just because they want that thing to be done to them in return?

For short, the Golden Rule. I'm pretty sure every single one of you knows what the Golden Rule is. If you don't, it's... (I'm too lazy to think of a really amazing and funny, as if I can be funny, joke for the Golden Rule.) "Do unto others what you want others to do unto you."

Hey, you know what? I just remembered (I wasn't actually going to write this down...), I had this inspirational book for kids. And there was a story about this really annoying girl who kept making faces at the mirror, and she was all, "That person is so meaaan, she's making faces at me," and her dad was all, "Dude, that's your reflection. It's going to do what you do to it," and she's all, "Okay, I'mma be a good girl now."

Which is really funny. And quite annoying, now that I remembered it. I mean, really, how selfish is it to only change heart because suddenly, you realize that they're going to treat you better after that?

And how stupid is that dad who gave her the impression that everyone is a reflection? I mean, being that it was probably just a five-year-old, she'd get the impression that every person is a reflection.

Anyway, back to the deeper but not deep topic. Just, relatively, deeper.

So sometimes, we ask people how they are. Sometimes we do that to be asked how we are. But sometimes not. Most of the time, not. Because sometimes, we ask people how they are because 1. it's mandatory or 2. you've got nothing to say, but you're polite enough (Or you like the other person enough) not to terminate the conversation.

But other than asking people how they are, the Golden shining-shimmering Rule applies pretty much to a lot of things. Or not. Sometimes we do these things to other people, not so that the people do it for us, but just because we get something from us.

Which is an indirect application of the Golden Rule, but whatever.

Hey, you know what's funny? Nothing.

You know what's not funny? Everything.

I was actually rereading my posts during May, and I felt pretty bad. I proclaimed to the whole wide world that this year, I was going to be Stargirl, but nothing's happened. I've become a worse person, I think, or maybe better in some aspects, but generally I think I've become worse.

Not that you care, really, I'm just trying to remember what else it was I was going to say.

Apparently, I can't remember.

Who cares.

Cheerio.

and we look divine

2009-02-21T16:45:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Which is stronger? The happiness you feel when your love is there, or the sadness when it isn't?

Maybe the happiness is much stronger, but the sadness apparently happens all the time. I wouldn't know though, and I wouldn't want to know.

Also, how is it that people want to have boyfriends or girlfriends, although they know they're not going to be married to them because they're too young and when they get old it's probably somebody else? What is the point of having a boyfriend/girlfriend if you know the two of you aren't meant to be. For the hugs? For the kisses? For the feeling of being in love (If you can call it love)? For the feeling of not being alone?

Because that's such a user thing to do.

Cheerio.

my heart stood still

2009-02-21T10:26:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

(How the heck did I come up with the greeting anyway? It sounds so, well, not childish. It sounds as if I'm on a TV show about a girl who usually writes in her diary and addresses the world. Which isn't true.)

Can't you help but wonder sometimes what the point of everything is?
If you're just going to die or something. I mean, what's the point?
Say, you changed the world. You're like, Mother Teresa.
Except, if you changed the world, that change would last, say, the lifetime of the whole wide world.
And then everybody's dead after that.
So what's the point of the change?

For example, there's this old woman who had a facelift, had plastic surgery and all that.
And then she died.
Not only did she die, but nobody bothered to go to her funeral because nobody knew her.
So what's the point?

I guess the point there is, we changed for ourselves, so that when the time comes for us to go, we're happy. Because we changed. So we're happy when we're dead.

Does reincarnation exist?
Or does heaven exist?
Do ghosts exist?

Cheerio.

call me mellow yellow

2009-02-19T21:02:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Usual psychology goes this way:

1. Friend does something awesome.
2. Friend tells you how awesome doing something was.
3. You obviously get your hype up.
4. You do something.
5. It was okay, but a waste of hype.

Can't you get hyped up for something, then think your hype was very well spent?
I mean, come to think of it, when you get hyped for something, it's, it's like saving up for something. Like a new car, or what. And then when you get that car (That you can't ask for a refund of, can't even sell.), you realize, it's such a bore, right?

Poll says you'll complain, so complain.

But aren't you going to make the most of it?
Aren't you going to think, "Oh, well, this is really cool!"
Aren't you going to enjoy it?
Aren't you going to like it, since everyone else seems to like it?

Like listening to an awe-inspiring song (By everyone else's standards) for the first time.
A song that nobody dared dislike.
Not even a single, "The singer sounds like he/she's muttering into the microphone." (Unless it was a singer known for mumbling his/her words for... effect.)
Or, "The guitarist can't do a vibrato right."
Or, "The drummer became faster."
Or, "The bass was too soft."
Nope. Apparently, everyone likes.
The few seconds before you listen, you get all hyped up.
You could possibly be listening to the best ever record in the whole wide world.
And then when you listen to it, you're all, "Dude. This is it?"
You look at everyone and they all seem to be enjoying it.
"It's okay, it's just like any good old normal song. It's a bit better than most, but normal."
Of course you never say it out loud.
And you figure, hey, if it's the best record out there, might as well enjoy it, right?
So you enjoy it.
AND you realize how awesome it is.
So suddenly it wasn't such a big waste of hype anymore.

Cheerio.

we could be heroes

2009-02-19T19:12:00.003+08:00

Dear world,

There's this parable (Chinese, in fact) about this old farmer who keeps on saying, "Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?"

Those were probably the only words he knew (LAUGH. Right now.).

It goes like this. Once upon a time, the old farmer's horse ran away. His neighbour was all, "Oh, sucks to be you," and he was all, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?" So the next day, his horse was all, "Neigh, neigh, neigh, neiiiiigh," (In human language, "I found new friends while I was away from your farm and now I'm back with them." Believe me.) And the farmer's neighbour was all, "Crap, I wish I were you," and he was all, "Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?" One time, the farmer's son tried to tame the new horsies, but broke a leg. So his neighbour went, "...sux0rz," and AGAIN, he went, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?" (I bet you're now siding with my theory that those words are the only ones he knows how to say.) And then these Chinese war people (Army, I guess) went 'round the village and hired every able-bodied man in China. Except for the farmer's son, who was obviously not able-bodied. So his neighbour, argh, goes, "Lucky you," and he was, "Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?" Actually, the story didn't end there. It actually ended when his son wasn't drafted to the war. I think.

Apparently, the moral was, there ARE no misfortunes, only missed fortunes. Ha, ha. Wait. I don't think that was a joke.

Or everything, when you look at it, has both a bright side, and a dark side. I swear! It's true.

Think of this. There's the ultimate jackpot thing at the lotteries, right? 200 million something. I mean, you've GOT to have a lot of good luck to win that. Or, as the farmer said, "Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?" But, come to think of it, to every silver lining, there is a cloud (Wicked). Obviously, if you got that 200-something-million sum, somebody better be looking out for your life. I swear.

Or maybe I'm just cynical.

Apparently I am.

Cheerio.

hide your love away

2009-02-18T17:19:00.003+08:00

Dear world,

Sometimes there just has to be this person you share everything with. You can't really hide every impulse of thought or some thingamajiggy like that. Sometimes, when something annoys you, you can't just stop telling somebody else about how annoying that something is. When you read something interesting, it actually, well, um, gets itchy when you don't tell anybody about it. When you see a mistake, you can't help but correct it. When something amazing happened to your day, you just have to tell the whole world.

But sometimes, the whole world doesn't care.
The whole world doesn't care what you ate for breakfast.
OR who your crush went out with that Saturday.
OR why you were absent.
OR how much *insert name of classmate here* is truly annoying and arrogant.
OR how stupid everyone is for assuming *insert assumption here.*

OR, generally, the whole world doesn't care about you.
Oh, given, you have the awesomest family, yes, they care!
They care because you're family.
And you have the best of friends, and yes, they care!
They care because they're used to caring for you.
And insert other people who care, generally because they need something from you.
But other than that, nobody cares.

I was just kidding. (A bad joke at that.) Somebody cares. And finding that someone who truly, absolutely cares how your day went, or what you ate for dessert or something (And not just because they're family, friends, they're in love with you so they should care, or because they need to copy your supercool Science homework or something.) is actually pretty amazing.

I'm really, really, really not making the best sense.

Cheerio.

because the sky is blue

2009-02-18T17:08:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Sometimes, when you find something bad about someone, say, that someone speaks with horrible grammar, makes a lot of spelling mistakes, has bad breath, always accidentally spits while talking, and you think to yourself, "Geez, I'm lucky I'm not like that person."

And then suddenly you wonder if you make the same grammar and spelling mistakes, or smell bad, or spray saliva over everyone in the vicinity. And then suddenly, you're just, well, insecure. That, maybe, just maybe, you're as much of a loser as everyone else. (Wait. Did I get the grammar right?)

Or maybe, somebody makes a mistake, and you try to correct it, only to be corrected yourself, you start doubting yourself. Is what you said right?

Which, come to think of it, could have been just a bluff, so that you'd think twice. Kind of makes you lose confidence, doesn't it? But maybe, all the while, the other person is thinking, "Whew, good thing he/she fell for my bluff. That was almost humiliating."

What a shallow and light-hearted topic. Guess what triggered it.

*smirk*

Cheerio.

wait a lonely lifetime

2009-02-18T16:08:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

It's sad to think that things, however well everything is going, will never be the same again.

Even if same means working hard, crying everyday, slashing your wrists (for the emo), staying up until 3, waiting for everything in anticipation.

Even if same means going through every hardship you went through before.

Because things will never be the same again.
Because same is the way we always wanted it to be. Although same is hard, at the same time, same is where you know your real friends, same is where everything is all smiles.

Same.
Can't anything be the same?

Cheerio.

you can't do that

2009-02-18T14:04:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

There's something unmistakably sad about this day. Or maybe it's just me.

Fake is such a normal thing. Being fake is as normal as you being yourself. We're fake to everyone. And sometimes we're fake to ourselves. Sometimes that fake us becomes the real us, only it's fake. Sometimes everyone likes the fake you, and you just, well, stick with it. If they like the fake you, then be the fake you, right? If the fake you is awesome, why not be the fake you?

Because it's not you, I guess. I mean, given that you're real awesome and perfect as the fake you, but inside, you're just, I don't know, someone who wants to pick his/her nose, or scratch his/her butt. But you can't. Because the fake you doesn't do that. Because doing that means that all along, you've been fooling yourself. And everyone else. Because doing that means you're not really the awesome and extremely fake you.

But guess what?
Everyone's a phony. Okay. Biiig generalization, but everyone's just trying to please everyone else. Everyone else just wants to take off those high-heels, those really heavy earrings, that really gunky thing on their heads called gel, the itchy make-up, the killer wedgie, the eternal booger. But they don't do it, because you are, apparently, awesome. If we only took time to take off this awesome but fake facade, we'd see each other. We wouldn't be shy about scratching our hair, we wouldn't be shy about slipping and then landing smack on our butts. Because we're us. And us is not them, the fake us.

We're only impressing each other, because what we see is what they are when they're trying to impress us. It's sort of a circular proof, really. They're doing that well, because you're doing that well, but you're doing that well, because they're doing that well. All along, the only person we're fooling here is ourselves.

Or not.

Cheerio.

we didn't give a damn

2009-02-16T20:04:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

I took a third step and it wasn't a drastic one. A second and a half step, but still, a half step is still a step. I'm going to finish my third step and hopefully it will be alright, it will be great. I honestly don't know how much steps I'm going to take.

I'm pretty sure I'm depriving myself of a million kinds of fun, but hey. Maybe there's nirvana in the end.

Or maybe there's Kurt Cobain, that would be enough. Ha, ha. Joke right there.

If I write a song every single day of my life, you can imagine at least one of them would be great, right?

Off to another topic. Which would be sort of, well, out of place, since this post seems about quirky.

Quirky is good, but it won't do me any better.

Which leads me to wondering (NOT, I just remembered it) if hurt is actually just in our heads. We know a knife hurts, and that's why it hurts us. We know a punch hurts, we know, well, a lot of things hurt.

If we didn't know these things, would we still be hurt? Who knows, maybe these things are actually a wonderful feeling, if only we didn't associate them with negativity? (I actually tried biting myself really hard to see if I could think of pain as a good feeling.)

Sometimes, some things don't even hurt you. They don't hurt you, but you know it hurts, and that's enough for you to get hurt. It's easy to find something you're looking for, even when it's not even there.

Sometimes, when we get hurt but don't feel the hurt, we just react to the pain as someone hurt would. I don't know why. I don't know if everyone would do it. I know, I do it all the time. Why do we have to acknowledge the pain?

Why is this topic so important anyway?

I have no idea.
It sounds sadistic, though. Not. Well, when you think about it really hard, it is.
Maybe it's just me, but hey.

In relation (Since when did I use such weird terms?) to that, have you ever thought of being hurt as just a reaction, a lack of trust to the person who hurts you? I know I'm making the least sense possible here. But maybe. I mean, if you know that the person causing you pain isn't going to kill you or anything (Probably taking a blood sample or something), would it hurt? After all, it's just a blood sample, and yes, there is pain, but if you put trust in somebody, would it hurt?

Do I make sense?

Cheerio.

forever, not for better

2009-02-15T19:20:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Why do we have to be so pessimistic anyway? We barely trust in anyone. We automatically suspect evil motives behind people's actions. Is somebody doing you a good deed? Probably going to ask you a huge favour. Friends stifling laughter when they see you? Probably talking about you picking your nose in the cafeteria. Love of your life coming home late? Probably a third party.

Can't we ever look at the bright side? What if somebody was doing a good deed because that somebody was actually Mother Teresa, or just trying to make your day better? What if your friends stifled laughter because they were planning a supercool surprise party for you the next week? What if the love of your life came home late because he/she was actually working hard for the two of you? And why not, really?

Why can't we believe a lot of things people say to us? Sometimes, things aren't what they seem, but when they are explained to us, reasonably, in fact, we still choose to believe our explanation of things, the explanation we came up with because that was what it seemed like.

Sometimes it's not. Sometimes, it's just not.

We're just so used to being duped, to seeing other people being duped, to duping someone, that we completely lose trust in other people. We're afraid. Afraid of being made a fool of, afraid of our hearts being broken again, afraid of everything. We're afraid of making the same mistakes.

But nobody said we were going to make the same mistakes. Sure, if we do the same thing, over and over again, it seems the outcome will be the same. If we keep on buying this vomit-inducing meal at some restaurant, over and over again, we might vomit every time. But what if they hired a new chef and transformed the vomit-inducing meal to a drool-inducing meal? You'll never know. Sometimes, we think, only the things we do affect the outcome of everything. No. The things we do, and the things other people involved do, affect the outcome. It's too easy that it's quite laughable, but most of the time we forget this.

Albert Einstein said something to the effect of, "Only idiots would do the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome." I beg to differ. 1 + 1 is not always 2. Sometimes it's 0, when you use binary. And that makes a huge difference. Although it sounded pretty sarcastic, pretty airheaded, pretty dumb, actually, I think there's a deeper meaning to what I said. Only problem is, I don't know what it is.

If an "idiot" placed his/her keys on the table everyday, and everyday, somebody would steal it, there's still a chance of a different outcome. If that somebody stopped stealing it, the "idiot" would see his/her keys on the table.

So sometimes, the problem isn't just us.

So sometimes, we just have to be unafraid, and sometimes, trust that person. Because that person might be different.

I completely forgot what this blog was supposed to be about.

Cheerio.

don't turn around

2009-02-15T19:10:00.003+08:00

Dear world,

Have you ever been a silent world once? A silent world full of smiles and secrets.

Imagine that. Life would be harsh. Outside you would treat each other respectably, maybe, but maybe in your head, you're stabbing--no, decapitating them. But which is better? Maybe one day you'll find yourself decapitating them in real life. Although I doubt that. What you do is make that decapitation vanish into thin air. I don't think anyone can do that, though. We are masters of pessimism, masters of making things worse than they really are, masters of hyperbole. We rule in the negative department, actually. I may be generalizing, but, hey, I'm just getting my point across. Sort of.

So maybe it's better to be a noisy world. A noisy world full of laughs and. Whatnot. Where you can be as frank as possible to anyone. "You invented halitosis," "I love your sister to death but I wouldn't marry her because I don't want to be related to you in any way," "If nosy were a person, it would be you," or, well, "You suck," generally.

So we can change. So we know what's wrong with us. So we won't be watching our backs every single second of our lives. Because the truth, well, the truth doesn't hurt. What hurts us is the "truth" we once believed in or were made to believe. What nonsense am I talking about? Apparently (although not really), I am deviating to an entirely different topic.

Why do we get so hurt over the truth anyway? It's the truth. You're going to stick with it the rest of your life, so, well, it wouldn't really hurt to accept it. It's like having a really really awesome best friend, who has a best friend who's not so awesome. But you just have to deal with it. Have to learn to like it. For the sake of your best friend, who loves his/her best friend so dearly and, well, yeah. The end.

Cheerio.

starman waiting in the sky

2009-02-15T16:32:00.003+08:00

Dear world,

I've wanted to open my mouth and say things I want to say, but I don't want to anymore. You don't have to hear what I say. You don't have to pretend you care. You don't have to listen, because this time, I will be listening (cue song). Do you understand now?

My mind is triggered but I can stop. For now, for now, I can stop. Until forever, I hope.

So please believe me now when I tell you I'm trying to change. I'm going to change. This past week, actually, but I've only stuck to two changes, and they don't really matter.

Although, the journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step. Or something to that effect. And so far, I've gone two steps, so isn't that a whole lot better than just one step?

No, I guess not. What's two steps if you can't take a third step, after all?

Aren't I so good at bringing myself down? Answer: Definitely. But you shouldn't care about that anymore.

This time, this time this blog won't be about myself. It's about my adventures as a voyeur of life.

Or life. As seen by me.

Technically, you don't really care, do you?

Cheerio.

you know it ain't easy

2009-02-14T22:58:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

It awes me (In a bad way) that I should have a lot of space inside my heart to keep all the hate in it. Really, how could someone have so much hate in him/her, that he/she just has to spread all the hate to all the other people around him/her, planting in their hearts a seed of hate? The hate doesn't even vanish from his/her heart as he/she passes it around to everyone, it just stays there, while all the while, everyone around him/her starts hating too.

I'm going to keep the hate.
I'm going to fill the space.
I'm going to bring it with me.
I'm going to stare at your face and laugh at myself, me and my inside joke, about how hated you are. By me.

And in the end I'm going to forget.
I'm going to release that hate and make it vanish into thin air.

You know how hard it can be.

Cheerio.

around the world

2009-02-13T09:29:00.003+08:00

Dear world,

They say the only permanent thing is change.

I really couldn't care less. Well, okay, I do care. A lot. These past few days I've been trying to change and nothing's happening (I did, though, resist chatting with people for the heck of it.). The thing is, I realized that I'm still myself and I haven't changed, actually. It's just that I developed these other personalities WITHOUT putting my old personality in the closet or something. It's still alive but I can't get it out. You know it sucks. I've been trying to stop asking questions, stop sharing things that weren't asked of me, and I DO succeed. The first few minutes. Or, let's be generous, the first few hours. And then suddenly I forget what I was supposed to do. I've been trying to tell myself that I AM successful, but yeah. I've been trying to just do it slowly, but then I do it slowly at such a negligible pace that even I forget.

You know it sucks.

Wao.

Cheerio.

not a second time

2009-01-26T20:44:00.003+08:00

Dear world,

I only realized how easy it was to be a kid.

The 100% effectiveness rate of the pick-up line, "Can I borrow your blue crayon?" (A joke. A corny one, at that. Still, it's not really a joke. Come to think of it, we have to devise a thousand ways to catch the eye of someone interesting, such as dropping your pencil, or whatever, and really, all these kids have to say is, "Can I borrow your blue crayon?" and in an instant, they're the best of friends...? Unless I watch/read too much fiction, though I'm pretty sure it happens in real life.)

The way everything was, as is. No more fiddling about and such. What you see is what you get, and it makes things much easier. Of course, for us adults, what you see is not what you get, really, because we've become too smart for that and we've got these schemes and motives.

The fact that the best form of entertainment was a huge narra tree standing by the house during summer.

The way innocent eyes don't immediately instill doubt in themselves.

Oh children.

Cheerio.

love me two times

2009-01-21T20:43:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

If you've noticed, I changed the title to "Life in STOP-MOTION."

This, in fact, is not relevant. I just wanted to point it out. Not only does it sound very appealing (To me, at least.), it's... just appealing.

Anyway. So I was going to write about nothing. Really, nothing. But now that I'm here, you're here, might as well write about something, right?

It's pretty amusing to think that when you're nearing the end, you suddenly lose the will to do everything neatly. I mean, it's going to end. Why do you have to do it neatly?

Like school. We're nearing the end. So, suddenly, it means that I can start slacking around and such. Which is pointless, because it's not actually nearing the end.

So does it go the same with life? When we're almost dead, we lose everything? Do we say mean things because, "Heck, this is going to end."? I don't know. But it sort of amuses me.

Nearing the end, I guess today, means having the right to be crazy.

Cheerio.

walking on spiderwebs

2009-01-20T21:00:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Special. I've been dwelling on that word for a lot of times now. What makes us special? Usually, what we ARE makes us special. Why can't we be special for what we DO?

I wouldn't want to be special to my mum just because I AM her daughter, I want to be special to her because of something I do.

Much like how I wouldn't want to be special to an admirer (Hypothetical situation. Don't elaborate.) because I AM his love, but because I do something that makes him love me.

Much like, I wouldn't want someone to do things for me because he admires me, then doesn't do things for me once he's over me.

Right?

Hypothetical situation. Easiest one to say, not real, SOOO there we go.

I just realized I'm terrible contradictory. However I want people to make decisions for me, I hate it when they don't ask me before making a decision, since that sends the message that, "You reaaally don't matter much." Still, I don't like making decisions. So, whatever.

WHYYY am I talking about myself again?

It's pretty amusing that sometimes we answer, "Because you're my really good friend," not, "because you do amazing things that make you a good friend."

I don't know. Do I make sense?

Cheerio.

what it's like to be dead

2009-01-18T10:10:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

What's weird is that I can't stay mad at anything. Sometimes I can't. Sometimes I just don't. It's just that, well, what happens? You're mad. Nothing's really going to happen if you're mad. The only thing you can do is forgive. As for me, I just forget that I'm mad. Or I don't see the point of being mad.

What's weird is that I can't distinguish dreams between reality.

Cheerio.

bright are the stars

2009-01-11T21:01:00.003+08:00

Dear world,

You know, I read something about your mind being, like, a computer! Like, on the outside (Or your conscious mind), your computer can do a couple of things. But, on the inside (Subconscious!), it's actually doing a lot of things for that couple of things. For short, all the answers you need are in the inside!

Meaning, if you're awake and you have a problem, if you "sleep that problem off," what you're actually doing is resting your conscious mind and let your subconscious do all the dirty work! Sweet! AND, when you wake up and the sun does not appear, bleh. When you wake up, you suddenly KNOW what to do with that problem, OR you just feel a bit better!

Which is pretty awesome! I'm loving my subconscious a bit more. Although I always loved it in the first place. So let's thank our subconscious(es) for A LOT of things! I know pronounce this day: SUBCONSCIOUS AWARENESS DAY.

I'm just kidding. It's pretty amazing, though.

Cheerio!

she's a day tripper

2009-01-11T20:44:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

What is the sense of suffering, if you're going to die anyway and forget you ever suffered (That is, unless you turn into a ghost, if you believe in that.)? Nothing, really. If you suffer before you die or you die peacefully, it doesn't really matter one single bit. The thing is, you're dead. At the hands of yourself, nature, an accident, a killer, misfortune, etc. You're dead. What's the difference?

Anywho.

Anywho, I really don't know what to write anymore!

Cheerio!

all too much for me

2009-01-09T20:45:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

There are a lot of amazing things happening around us.
It's pretty amusing that nobody really realizes it.

Cheerio.

and it's a sunny day

2009-01-08T21:35:00.001+08:00

Dear world,

Oftentimes I would be asking what the sense of "sorry" is, if it's only, "sorry because something I did affected you badly," instead of, "sorry because I did it."

I guess it's better off that way.

You can be sorry for hurting someone's feelings, but you can't be sorry for doing something that hurt someone's feelings, since it really can't do anything.

Cheerio.

if you want to dance

2009-01-07T21:53:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

During our retreat, I noticed that a lot of my classmates had problems. Like some illness or something. And I... don't have a problem.

Or maybe it's, I do have a problem. I don't see it as a problem. I guess the problem with me is that, I'm a very distant person. I don't know. My heart isn't made of stone. Neither is it made of diamond (Hee!). When we visited Ninong at the PHC, I think I was the only one who left with dry eyes. For a few minutes.

I cried.

I cried because for some reason, I didn't cry. And that is definitely pitiful. Or selfish. Or both. I don't know.

Sometimes I wish I had problems. I guess, that'll make me learn to cope with them. That'll make me a bit less heartless or something. I guess it's really this bad. Me, hoping to have problems. Oh, sure! I have problems. The worst problems I have concern me, me, me and I don't think that's a good thing.

Did you notice people with problems use their problems as an excuse to be violent or mean?

It's pretty stupid, if you ask me.

Cheerio.

or i may be asleep

2009-01-05T21:31:00.001+08:00

Dear world,

I just wonder what life would be like if there was someone--anyone who actually understood every single word that comes out of you?

It doesn't make sense.

Cheerio!

i probably shouldn't

2009-01-05T21:07:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

I probably shouldn't say this, but at times I get so scared. HEE! Okay, shut up, now.

I don't know what life means anymore. Curse that silly extra reading for English. Inferno my face. I realized there are a LOT of sins in the world. Some of them, you probably didn't notice you were making. So I guess we're all going down there.

I'm kidding. :|

Why are people so... mean? I mean. Intentionally mean. I don't know. I guess it's cool, when you can be all mean to everyone and you're, "Ooooh, I'm so scary, you're gonna cry? Cry your eyes off, lozar." I don't know. It's such a sad thing. (Really).

I don't know what to say anymore. The thing is I have a lot of emotions piled up inside me that if I take out just one... teeny morsel of that emotion, everything else's gonna get out.

No, really? I just have nothing to say, is all. I had something to say this morning.

I forgot, obviously.

What's the point of talking?
I don't want to talk anymore. But I guess human instinct commands us to share something funny, something sad, something gossip-y. Whatever. My instinct says, no. It's pointless. Unless it makes other people happy. But I don't want to anymore. What's the point of making them happy? I mean... I guess, after everyone spreads that happy thought, we're all going to be happy. And what's the point of being happy when you're all equally happy? One way or another, someone would want to rise above the norm of happiness.

Then again, I have nothing to say, so I'm not really 100% with what I said. The only thing I'm for is, to not talk. I don't want to talk anymore. Not talking makes things easier.

A while ago, I caught a classmate saying, "A thought makes a thing!" (I thought she said, "A thought makes a think," which doesn't make sense, but is so lovable because of the fact that it's completely nonsensical! I do believe, though, that it makes more sense than "a thought makes a thing," becaaause...)

As an example, she said if you think you're going to pass the UPCAT, then you will pass the UPCAT. Which makes perfect sense! If you're still to take the UPCAT. But if you're done taking the UPCAT, what's the point? I mean, if you weren't supposed to pass the UPCAT before you started thinking that you are going to pass it, will that thought magically put your name onto the list? I don't think so!

But fancy that, Scout once said that when enough people think of a certain thing, it is going to come true. I hope it is. Then righteousness will prevail. Hopefully.

Okay, I just stopped making sense, like, a gazillion words ago.

Cheerio!

a moment to be loved

2009-01-02T22:18:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Talk about mood swings. Although last time I posted here I was feeling really bad, for some reason I'm not feeling so bad. Although nothing changed, really. It's just, weird. Nothing happened for the problem to be solved or something.

Day by day, I'm writing more useless stuff and I guess, I'm being more objective, so, that's that, I guess. Probably going to be the end of this blog until, well, suddenly I become introspective and all that... stuff.

Hee. I'm finding taking risks weird. Isn't everything you do taking a risk? I mean, if you like this girl, you think you're taking a risk by, say, making a move. But wouldn't you be making an equally destructive risk by making a move?

Then again, I guess that's what everyone's been trying to say, innit?

I saw this, anyway, on somebody's shirt--

"To have a chance, take a chance."

And not only is the poetry striking, it's also 100% true! Although, like, what I said earlier about taking chances, well, it becomes redundant and useless. So let's pretend! That I didn't say anything earlier.

Though we both know it's true. *wink*

Did you notice I'm getting reaaaally talkative?

Yeah, I don't know either. But it's fun. Think of it as making up for all those lost... chances... of blogging or whatever! Right?

I guess the reason I'm being so nonsensical is that nothing even makes sense anymore.
HELLO! WHAT'S THE USE OF MAKING SENSE?!

Nothing, really. I don't know. However hard you try to make sense, to someone, you still won't make sense (Can you tell I'm making this up as I go along? 'CAUSE I TOTALLY AM!)! It's like, DUDE! SENSE IS IN THE... BRAIN OF THE BEHOLDER! (HAH! BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THAT QUOTE WAS FROM!)

Okay. For some hardcore things, here we go.

So like (You can tell that this isn't going to be as serious as it's supposed to be.), a few days earlier, I've been feeling really unspecial. I mean, I know right. Like being special is that important. I don't know, I guess however you try to be selfless and all that, you STILL have this drive to be, well, noticed.

And special.

So I'm just explaining to myself that if I'm not special, nobody will take notice of my steps to help them, right? (Amazingly, someone pointed out that my advice was very. VERY rarely NOT taken. Wait, is this connecting?) Because I'm not special, so it's not a big deal. Well, it's SORT OF the reason why I felt bad about it. I mean. When I try to help, nobody cares much. And, I don't know. I guess I'm just disappointed that the people who are supposed to be my friends aren't really acting as if they were my friends. Or if they were, it's because it's a given that we're friends. I really really really don't know. Up to now, I'm still confused. BUT HEY! I'm not much of a charity case as I was that night when... I don't know, hee.

So that REALLY BAD NIGHT (The night I felt the worst.), well, it was sort of awesome, in a way. There were these people who wouldn't really text me that texted me. They didn't even know I was in the dumps. It was amusing. I mean, they went out of their way. Gives me a bit of faith in ~~humanity~~friendship. Like, there are still these people who would go out of their way! To, I don't know, actually! But there are still people who care! Yeah. Or something.

So the moral lesson in this is:

Never ever ever make me run out of topics to blog about, lest I post something that REAAALLY doesn't make sense.

I hope the next post makes sense, though.

HEE!

Cheerio!

i'm a loser

2008-12-30T20:38:00.001+08:00

Dear world,

It's not that I should actually care. I don't know why I care.

Perhaps she'll die.
I know an old lady who blah blah blah.

This isn't working, world.

Cheerio.

a broken hallelujah

2008-12-21T20:45:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

There are a lot of things I don't believe in.

But if I did, I really couldn't care less.
It's been almost a month since I posted anything in on here. I guess it's that everything's been so shallow nowadays.

Cheerio. I'm so tired.

yonder over the hill

2008-12-03T19:10:00.000+08:00

Dear world,

My dream got replaced. It's much more possible. It's much more.

It's sad.

Cheerio!

i need an answer

2008-11-21T20:48:00.001+08:00

Dear world,

I can't open my eyes anymore. Sleep, sleep. I have to sleep.

Why is it that when we ask questions, we already have these answers in mind? That we can't even accept the answers given us because we think it is right. That we try to disprove the answers because you kept the answer you thought was right in your mind?

Oh, sleep. I long for the night when my eyes are wide open.

Cheerio!

they call me quiet girl

2008-11-18T21:38:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Vincent van Gogh is getting to me. :| Bluh.

WHY CAN'T I FLY.

Cheerio!

and there's a time

2008-11-16T12:19:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Sometimes it gets so hard to figure yourself out. Are you annoyed with someone because that person is seriously annoying, or because your friends find that person annoying, therefore you focus on what they find annoying? After all it's easy to find something you're looking for, even if it's not even there.

Cheerio!

i want to dream again

2008-11-14T21:07:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

I do think that the only people who can hurt you are the ones you love. Because you trust them enough to think that they won't hurt you, but even the slightest things seem like a large betrayal. If you didn't love them, you wouldn't give a single care to what they think (Or you won't be hurt, but still give a care.).

Life is ironic that way, but it's just like that.
Can't do a thing.

Cheerio!

calling me back again

2008-11-14T18:04:00.003+08:00

Dear world,

I am in an utter state of confusion. This is the time where you mostly just sit around thinking what you should do--object or not? Objecting will only do something bad, not doing so will do something bad, and you can't figure out which outcome is worse, so you end up sitting around thinking all the time that it goes by and you didn't object, so in the end, you unintentionally chose not objecting because you still can't figure out the right thing to do.

This is also the time where you start wondering if the people you considered good friends were actually not good friends.

This is also the time where you start over-analyzing everything.

Anyway,
I always thought that once the new SM North is finished, someone would commit suicide at the skypark or whatever they call it. Jump. Floy called me cynical. Forgive me for having an overactive imagination.

I'm going to make a bucket list and a list of Beatles songs I want to be dedicated to me. Vain much. :|

Cheerio.

if you saw my love

2008-11-02T19:10:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

I wish I were Peter Pan.

Cheerio!

die just a little

2008-10-30T09:38:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

I don't know. Am I right? Are they right? Or are we both wrong, and we're too stupid to see it? I don't want to be a hypocrite. Life can get so weird and ironic at times--I mean, all the time. And I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I get PMS but it's not Pre-Menstrual, it's Post-Menstrual. Sheesh. Is that even legal? :))

I don't know if I do the same sad things to other people, since the Golden Rule does say "do unto others," and all that crap. Hey, guess what. Screw the Golden Rule. It's just a ploy to make you do good things to others and not do bad things to others. It really doesn't work. It makes you do things you probably don't want to do, but have to since the Golden Rule says so. I'm kidding, though. Though it IS nice to do unto others what blah blah blah, I think it's stupid to do that just because you don't want people to do the same to you. Or you want them to do the same to you. You get my drift. :| I think there's a bug going around the house giving all of us foul moods, I swear.

Anyway, for a bit-lighter mood, I'm working my way to be the next Joan Jett or Nancy Wilson or Joni Mitchell or whoever. Or at least be the Joan Jett or whoever of Philippines. Just kidding, haha. Be the Joan Jett of QueSci. Fair enough. Haha.

Blah. Well, that was so self-centered, but anything to get my mind away from something.

Boo-boo-bee-bap.

Oooh. Look at all the lonely people. They've got lots of friends, but you can tell, they're lonely people.

Cheerio!

not going away

2008-10-27T20:24:00.000+08:00

Dear world,

I am so tired of over-analyzing actions. It is so darned masochistic.

make my heart sing

2008-10-26T22:13:00.000+08:00

Dear world,

I'm going to write something thought-provoking.
...

Eventually.

Anyway, my thoughts are jumbled up. I know what to say, I just don't know how to arrange it in a nice manner. IT MATTERS, YOU KNOW.

:))

Cheerio!
I feel bad for using up such a nice title for such a random "I still exist" post, but whatever. :)

you can't decode

2008-10-18T20:57:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

I've had it. Yesterday I realized who(m?) I truly considered friends, and those who(m..?) I considered required/unquestioned friends. So, yay me. Sort of.

I've had it with friends. :| I'd rather be everybody's friend and not have a friend, for all I care!

Fo'sho. I don't even know what I'm talking about!

I'm quite giddy and quite not. Saturdays take time away from the real world. That sounded deep. To me at least. You probably think I'm crazy. I'm crazy, haha. I'm talking to myself again. No, seriously. Again and again.

My psychologist (Oooh, so, so, so something.) recommended that I do the empty chair technique wherein you talk to an empty chair that signifies the person you wish to be there. And then you sit on the empty chair and talk to yourself.

I know, talk about crazy. I haven't been able to do it because I know I'll still see things my way, so yeah, YOUR FACE.

Cheerio!

hands were shaking

2008-10-14T20:53:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Lately, I've been realizing that the people I've judged because of my friends' judgments aren't that bad.

And then I realized,

What if it were me? What if I were starting to have a worse personality, which is why I've begun accepting their personalities?

Oh, the complexity of friendship. :|

Cheerio!

a new complaint

2008-10-14T19:13:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

I don't know what to say.

Maybe I'm going to say how much I hate the world, how selfish we all are, how especially selfish I am, but this time, I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say anything.

I wish I were schizophrenic--HAHA.

But I honestly wish I was stripped of the ability to talk. Sad. I know, I'm going to miss a lot of things by not being able to... talk. I won't be able to sing... Other than that, I think not being able to talk is a wonderful thing. That way, you can use a smile, a laugh, or a widening of the eye to convey a feeling, and everything seems so much better, then.

Please strip me of my ability to talk. I'm kidding. HALF kidding. I said I'm kidding, because I'd definitely be told off by my mum if I said I'm not kidding. Wacco.

Okay, here goes something even sadder.

I wish I didn't have any friends.
I think, one time or another, they'd just hurt each other. And it sucks. I don't want to hurt anyone. Still, I guess you can't avoid it. No one wants to hurt anyone. Except sadists. But yeah. No one wants to hurt. It's just that, what they think is fine isn't actually, and it takes them long to realize that. People are like that. Haha, people.

We are so weird.

And sad.

Cheerio.

here in this diary

2008-10-11T22:45:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Would trusting ignorantly be the best thing to do? Or would doubting everything be? The Church tells us to be like children: to trust everyone. However, too much trust can teach people to be abusive. What should you do?

Nowadays, when people do things for us, we have a slight suspicion that he's doing it for himself. I mean, what, is it illegal to do good things to people just because?

Cheerio.

down to your bones

2008-10-11T22:11:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

I know I sound evil because of this, but I don't want to be this kind of Christian anymore. I'm starting to lose faith in how I profess my faith. Don't get me wrong, I believe in everything the Church stands for. But the way I profess it says much. Negatively. The fact that we sort of worship the images--yes, it may be easier to pray to them, but that does not mean we have to pray these special prayers because the images are in our home. It's like we're praying to a statue. Somehow we've forgotten that the souls of the saints, or Mama Mary, or Jesus exist everywhere, not merely in statues and pictures. We don't even feel our prayers anymore. Do we know what we meant when we recite the Apostles' Creed? Hail Mary? And everything? Do we mean what we say? Or are they empty words, recited merely because we have to? Somehow I see people professing faith as a duty, not because they have the faith.

Cheerio.

caught me off-guard

2008-10-08T21:42:00.000+08:00

Dear world,

It's so stupid when people conclude that there is no God because nothing good ever happens. God cannot do everything for us. God will not do everything for us. Mothers and fathers do not hold on to their children even when they walk. They do not hold their feet lightly and place them where they should go. Simply, they watch, catch, or give advice.

And that's how God works.

God might not exist, but Something out there exists. The Spirit of the World. But I prefer to call it God.

Cheerio.

that look in your eyes

2008-10-07T20:35:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

When I've nothing else to do at school, I look out the window and have the uncanny urge to jump over the ledge and fly.

Because, for some reason, I think I can.

light up the sky

2008-10-07T18:09:00.003+08:00

Well--never mind.

It doesn't matter anyway. If nobody notices, then it's not worth noticing. There we go.

i have run away

2008-10-06T19:02:00.003+08:00

When I was in sixth grade, I was slightly devastated when I found out that, no, The Beatles did NOT sing The Boxer. I didn't know why I assumed they did, it just was there. Since my father liked Beatles best, I think, and he liked The Boxer a whole lot (So much that he plays it maybe everyday.), naturalmente, I would assume that The Beatles sang The Boxer.

So when I talked to a former classmate about my favourite "Beatles" song, the one where they sang, "Lie la lie..." she went all, "What?" and I said, "The Boxer." and she was all, The Beatles didn't sing anything entitled The Boxer.

As a child, you could imagine the confusion this caused me. In a way, it was some sort of an identity crisis: Something you grew up with all along was not the thing you thought it was. My name was not Anna Lissa. I wasnot born on July 14. On a small scale, anyway. Funny. I actually had an identity crisis. For being ignorant.

This is random, I guess, but what? :)) Yeah, but what.

Cheerio!

all together now

2008-10-05T14:49:00.000+08:00

Dear world,

Thank you.

help me understand

2008-10-04T08:16:00.003+08:00

Dear world,

I'm so tired of over-analyzing things. I try my best to do things for others but it always comes out as a selfish deed. Whoa, talk about irony. Talk about... pointlessness. Gee.

Thursday, I did my oratorical speech for English. And then I took a peek at Ma'am Biñas' comment. I think it said I was casual.

What's wrong with casual? Usually, people are being formal to impress others. It's like, wearing something formal to a business meeting to impress everyone. But THEY wear formal to impress you. What's the point? You both know you're itching in our hundred-dollar suits and want to scratch your butt or undo a wedgie. It's so stupid. Haha. Wedgie. Weird. I mean, sure, talk formally so that people understand your point. But blah.

Talk about talking formally, why are people impressed when you make a speech with absurdly large words? I mean, isn't having everyone understand you the point of making a speech? Sure, it's absolutely impressive, like, WOW, you're using awesome words only a dictionary-person would understand. And? If you beat around the bush on a speech or whatever, nobody gets you. Yeah, I guess sometimes it's there because it's cool to listen too. But sometimes it's just overused.

Wait, am I being a hypocrite? Bleh.

Cheerio!

this song is about you

2008-10-03T20:07:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

I feel like an absurdly large pimple on an otherwise flawless face. Never mind (Never heard!) the awkward and weird analogy. I just do. For once, I really, really, really want to be alone. (Or maybe this is the nth time that I want to be alone. Then I forget. All over again. It happens all the time. Like, yeah, whatever. Why the heck do I talk like this? Oooh, look at the stuff enclosed in the parenthesis. I wrote more than I wrote outside. BEFORE, anyway. Do you understand what I'm talking about? I'm drifting off again.) It just feels better that way. I mean, I guess it's the way it's supposed to be. Some things don't need explanations. They're just that. Whatever, shrug, and so and so.

I was losing faith in everyone, lately. It's like, durrr. And I'm like, durrr. You get it? Weiiird. But anyway, I feel silly happy today. Not THAT happy, though. I found that, in the long run, friendships never disappear. They just... stay at the background and wait for their time to shine.

Sure, maybe my friends are not as awesome as yours.
:))

(Yes, I STILL want to be alone.)

Maybe this time, I will really, truly change.
I hope so.

I'm just being vain. Is all. Bleh.

Cheerio!

read the news today

2008-10-01T19:52:00.003+08:00

What doesn't kill you will ultimately make you stronger.

At first, I thought this was absolutely... Masochistic. Sadistic. Or Machiavellian. I have no idea how that got into my head, it just... DID. You know. Like, "You must did it!" Bleh. Joke.

Then I realized, what doesn't kill you really will ultimately make you stronger. Or kill you later on. Haha.

If you got sick, and it DIDN'T kill you, it will help you cope easier with that sickness next time. Or maybe you become immune to that sickness. Making you stronger.

If you're sick the entirety of your life, you learn to cope with it. Suuure, the level of hurt...ness does not decrease sometimes, but still, you begin to bush it off as normal.

If a past experience you had hurt you. Like, maybe the love of your life told you s/he hated you down to your bones, or, maybe your teacher told you that you will never ever graduate for the entirety of your life. It won't kill you. It will make you stronger. Teach you to strive harder. Push you to be a better person.

And that is why, what doesn't kill you...

...Will ultimately, make you stronger.
Unless you're an extremely stupid person.

Cheerio.

you're the one i want

2008-10-01T15:40:00.001+08:00

Dear world,

Lately, I've been feeling a whole lot underappreciated. Or under-worried for.

THEN, I realized, a lot more people are a lot more underappreciated than I am.

Cheerio!

i feel so uninspired

2008-10-01T15:35:00.002+08:00

Naturalmente, when people treat you differently, it's because you're different from other people. Either they super like you, they super dislike you, or they super respect you (In short, they're scared of you. Okay, fear, blah.). Or you're connected to somebody they have a different kind of connection with.

For some reason, I always think that, when people treat me differently, they just super dislike me. I guess this is some sort of defense mechanism, as to not hurt myself even further.

Therefore, I'm pretty much this worried all my life over why in the world they super dislike me.

Like, totally dude.

Cheerio!

anyone else but you

2008-09-30T19:03:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

Since first year, I belonged to this group called AIM HI (Anti-Idol Movement... Hates Idol.), which has eight members, actually. I probably hung out with them because, well, I was tentatively sectioned in Avo, and so were Nadia and Marge, two members, so I sort of hung out with them most of the time. AIM HI started because, well, we all hated this person. Not hate, but despise. I guess we laughed at all his/her actions then. Found it funny or annoying.

I guess we were friends for all the right reasons: We had something in common and we had fun with each other. Groupings would always be a breeze. Some unspoken rule that we'd be the groupmates. Like, my parents would know everyone else's names simply because they're your closest friends, and if you talked about anyone, you'd talk about them.

We pretty much passed notes and all that clique stuff. We hung out because we wanted to.

But now? I'm not so sure anymore.

We don't even celebrate our anniversary. We hung out because, well, of course, we wanted to, but still, it's like, we hang out with each other because we're... supposed to. It's not anymore a pasttime, it's kind of like a duty now.

It's like two of us become classmates, and therefore, we should be the inseparable people. Not because we want to. Because that's the way it always was.

We hang out with different people now, yeah. I guess that's pretty much it. I always thought we were the inseparable ones.

I guess I'm proven wrong, then.

Cheerio.

an everlasting smile

2008-09-29T21:04:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

I guess one of the reasons I'm super duper happy today is that I got some alone time. BY MYSELF! Imagine that. All I did was lean on the car and draw and write on the sky. Write diary entries no one would read. Is it a dream? All the lonely people...

(Weh.)

And pretty much just smiled for 30 minutes. Alone. Without even thinking anything.

I also dotted the birds with my almighty pen!

And, well, I realized that there's still hope for everyone.
Not everyone is selfish.
Not everyone would do good deeds because one way or another, it would benefit him.

A LOT of people would do good deeds for the sake of it.
And I'm very happy.
I thought that was that. I thought everyone was that.

I thought everyone was just nice because they want to be thought of as nice, or they extremely like you.

I guess it's not so bad.

Cheerio!

i am an anarchist

2008-09-29T20:00:00.002+08:00

Dear world,

I feel so happy, so sad, and so annoyed to-day.

But the fact is, I can't remember why I'm super-duper happy. Which makes me even happier, and WHY, I DO NOT KNOW. But not knowing why I'm super-duper-ultra-mega-hyper-master-extra happy, for some reason, makes me super happy. BEYOND words. Like, cloud nine, dude. It makes me want to dance around and jump around the room right about now.

Which I unfortunately can't. Because right now, my whole absolute life is resting on three (?) plies of gypsum board or whatever.

See how utterly spontaneous I am, to-day?

The thing I realized today, as I always do, is that people naturally don't mean to hurt other people. Unless they're taking revenge. It's like, someone accidentally says something wrong, someone gets hurt. Then the wrong-say-er says, woopsie, didn't mean it. But he actually did. He just didn't mean to be so random as to say that without even thinking about what other people think.

But whatever. :| I feel very bad.

And still awesomely happy! Wuhoo!

Then after Himig, (As if that was what I was talking about, anyway) I came to the car only to realize NOBODY WAS THERE. So I just leaned and did crazy stuff. Not actually crazy. I mean, weird stuff. Weird, basketcase stuff.

That's me, the basketcase.

:))

Cheerio!

happened once before

2008-09-28T19:29:00.002+08:00

I feel like posting here, for no absolute reason. And still I can't post anything that worthwhile for now, so I'll just repost something I've posted before. In my Multiply, that is.

Great minds think alike. I've been hearing that phrase since forever. It goes:

1: What are we going to do with this?
2: I think we should ________.
1: Hey! I was thinking that!
2: Great minds really do think alike!

Great minds think alike. That means, thinking alike is a distinction for great minds. If you think alike, you have great minds. After all, if stupid minds also think alike, why would they say great minds think alike? You can just say, "like minds think alike," which is stupid, obviously.

That means, only great minds think alike.
EVERYONE has someone with whom (Imagine that, I had a major typo with whom. I spelled home. The heck. Oh wait. I'm drifting off.) they think alike. I had NOOO idea whether my grammar was correct, but nobody cares anymore anyway. That is, at least, for this guy who says that grammatical and spelling errors should not be taken notice of, as long as it can be understood. Which is true, really. Why would you mock wrong grammar when you understand it, anyway? Well, I guess grammar is just like the law. A lot of things would be the same without it, and yet we need it for order.

So wait, where was I?

Everyone has someone with whom they think alike. Or something to that effect.

Ergo,

ALL minds are great minds. :D

Ergo, ALL MINDS THINK ALIKE?
No, that's wrong. Some minds are great in different aspects, so, no.

Haha. Cheerio!

living on a prayer

2008-09-27T21:38:00.002+08:00

Well, I must say. It's been a very long time since I've posted here and now I don't even REMEMBER what I was going to say.

Talk about lame.

It's not that school's been super busy--well, I admit, it was super busy. I think. Nah. Whatever.

crashed on the floor

2008-09-03T17:23:00.002+08:00

Well, lately, I've been UNbusy but too lazy to say anything. THERE we go.

Lately, I've been thinking about what's right and wrong, what's selfish and not. And I went, "Okay, I'm going to stop eating snacks because I don't have to eat snacks. It's selfish to eat snacks, because you're not required to." Then the food beckoned to me and I could not stop myself. So there, I ate. Haha. I realized it WAS pretty stupid to not do something because it is selfish. Or just because you don't need to do it.

I mean, WHAT is selfish?

Is selfish where you do things for yourself?

Or is selfish where you do things for yourself even though you know it's going to do something bad to someone else?

I don't know.

Frankly, I'm still confused, but anywho.

(Okay, this IS a pretty boring post. I posted just for the sake of posting.)

Cheerio!

give me the news

2008-08-28T21:05:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time, hasn't it?

Sometimes, you suddenly stop to think: What's the purpose of living? Sure, to make other people happy, and blah, and blah, and whatnot. But they'll die anyway. They'll be gone. To teach people the right things, and whatnot. But soon, the people will be gone. I mean, sure, they probably taught other people right things too, but then again, THEY'll be gone. And so forth, and so on. And then one day, EVERYTHING. Will be gone. In the blink of an eye. And everything you were taught, you taught, they taught, everything becomes useless, because you know why? Because everything will be gone.

So what IS the purpose of living?

I don't know, but it sure isn't stopping me from living. :))

I guess, one of the reasons I'm still living right now is that God (Or at least someone out there, if you don't believe.) gave it to me, and so I should be using it for His glory and... whatnot. If you know what I mean. Of course you do.

Mummy and Daddy are coming home on September 5! Wippee. :D

You know, sometimes I think, rules are made to be broken. Wait. Of course that's right. But I guess... I don't know, it's for fun. What and what and I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. But definitely not the rules that go, "Do not steal." Of course, THOSE rules were made to be followed... Haha. Whatevs.

I DO BELIEVE.
That we were made to do something big.
Something bigger than us.
Once in a lifetime.

And I do believe...
Blah.
:))

Cheerio!

fifteen for a moment

2008-08-20T14:27:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling bad about something but I don't know what it is. It's silly, I said I'm reinventing myself. I haven't done anything yet. This is stupid. I feel bad. Grr.

What the heck. Did that sound like me?

I have (I mean, HAD) a lot of things to say. I lost them. I didn't use my phone to write them down anymore.

How do you distinguish a poseur from the real one? If I dress emo, goth, prep, whatever, how can you tell if I'm a poseur or not? Does being a poseur qualify you as emo, goth, prep, or whatever? Of course it doesn't. Not if you do it just to be cool. Or look cool. You think you look cool, but you really don't. The only people you fool are those who are fellow poseurs, that's for sure.

Backstabbing?

I don't know. I'm not backstabbing.

I have this psychological complex, really. Call me paranoid, or schizophrenic, or paranoid-schizophrenic (Else just call me Munchaus-ic. :)) Never hypochondriac.), but I always think people are backstabbing me. Ugh.

Suddenly I'm tired. I'm tired of everything. Why do I seem less so upbeat? If I ever became upbeat. If not, well, why do I seem the least bit upbeat? (What the heck am I saying?)

I think there's something weird with the way I talk today, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Sadness. People have this tendency to become mad when they are sad. I mean, I guess, being sad is actually GOOD. You learn from something. If you're sad because a friend hurt you, you'd do your best to not do the same thing to another person. If you're mad, you... You... I don't know.

Blah.
I want to go to sleep. I slept 2 hours late. :( Sad.

Cheerio!

lucky to have stayed

2008-08-16T08:20:00.002+08:00

Gossip.

Such a tempting past time, isn't it? After all it's just words, and "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." After all, it's just words, and nobody takes words seriously. You can say anything you want, and you're still correct. Au contraire, words hurt more than anything.

I've read this thing in a WWJD book. What Would Jesus Do. About gossip. About a girl they thought was pregnant, so they start asking everyone about if she were pregnant. She wasn't, but of course, what does everyone think of her now? Why do they ask everyone when they can simply ask the girl, herself? It's some kind of automatic reaction, because we all want to spread gossip, have something to talk about, and yet we do not want to be called gossips.

Correct?

Correct.

I realized yesterday, that everyone is an unconscious follower of the golden rule. We praise people to be praised back (After all, it's unspeakably rude to not praise that person back.). We talk to people to be talked back to. We smile, we hug, we kiss just to be smiled at, hugged, and kissed back.

In a way, we are all being selfish little pricks in our own little way.

Cheerio!

at the wheel again

2008-08-15T18:58:00.003+08:00

Well--Well. Exams are finally over. I think those were the longest exams in my life. Three days seemed to drag on and ooon.

Weird because, I had a lot of things on my mind when I couldn't say anything because we have exams and such. Um.

UMMM.

So now I forgot everything I wanted to say. Hmph.
This is certainly annoying.

Floy and I had this big argument yesterday (The biggest argument I ever had in my life, I think?), and, well, geez. I'm so mean. >:( I feel bad, still.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE.
Let me rearrange my thoughts and come back later.

Isn't having faith in God quite similar to having faith in a spouse living in Germany?

Cheerio!